My mind is full of very disjointed thoughts. I really want to be able to put them all down in a smart and thought provoking post but I just don’t think that is going to happen. I will however try to give you a bit of a cross section.
First, thoughts stemming from Irresistible Revolution. I have been thinking about how in the midst of trying to live like Jesus lived we will find freedom. I really believe that some people (like me) feel completely burdened by what God asks us to do. That all of the things Jesus lived become very real and very overwhelming. I also believe that in that moment the guilt and shame of our/my in-action can be very powerful. But His ways are not our ways and He doesn’t use guilt and shame. God offers freedom in that moment of being overwhelmed. He offers grace. And it’s not a grace that says “it’s ok. I really wish you could do better but I understand.” God’s grace is perfect and uncondemning he says I love you and I am proud to claim you.
In the middle of my struggle to be doing more and being more my parents have always been the voice of God to me, reminding me that I am exactly where He wants me to be and I am exactly who He wants me to be.
It is a scandalous freedom like it is a scandalous grace. There are no ends. We are freed from the law of sin and death and freed into the law of the spirit of life where there is no guilt or shame. I’m not sure if any of you also deal with guilt but for those of us who do that freedom is life giving. It is the freedom to be less than we think we should be. The freedom to be.

Next, my thoughts about volunteering at the hospital. I guess mostly these thoughts are questions. I’m reading a book called “the Power of the Powerless” by a guy named Christopher De Vinck. The book is about his brother Oliver who “was on his back in his bed for 32 years, in the same corner of his room, under the same window…He was blind, mute. His legs were twisted. He didn’t have the strength to lift his head or the intelligence to learn anything.” Many of the kids I work with are similar to Oliver, although few have conditions so severe.
I’ll start with a quote he uses from another book called “The Child Who Never Grew” by Pearl Buck. De Vinck is talking about choices. I call it a choice. A choice to allow someone to be a person and to live or to let them be a thing. Pearl Buck says this,

There must be acceptance and the knowledge that sorrow fully accepted brings its own gifts. For there is an alchemy in sorrow. It can be transmuted into wisdom, which, if it does not bring joy, can yet bring happiness.


I don’t pretend to have received the gifts that come with sorrow fully accepted but I am starting to entertain the thought of accepting sorrow and accepting that Maria Louisa, Pedro, Jehu, Louis, Minga, Arely and countless more are not going to change. They will be like they are until they die, which may not be too far away. In accepting that maybe there will be a different kind of love to give. A love that truly expects nothing in return.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot when I spend time with Pedro. Mostly I just rub his back and chest and let him grab my arms and neck. But I expect that my presence, my love will actually change him. I have miss-guided hopes that one day I’ll be with him and he’ll look at me and say my name, the first words he’s spoken in years. But what if I just loved him because he’s a person and is deserving of it. What if living like Jesus did means loving Pedro and spending time with him even though he will continue to bang his head against the metal bars of his crib. He’s not doing or being what I consider normal or right. He is just being, and therefore I am to love him.

Last thoughts…ok, I admit this is kind of connected to the last paragraph. I’ll start with some simple questions.
-does a sober homeless man deserve my company and food more than a drunk one?
- Is there a “right” way to be homeless/in poverty/addicted to alcohol?
- Is there a “right” way to be a broken person?

I hope that you can think beyond the simple answer to those questions. Of course I say no to all of them, but I act differently with drunk homeless people than sober ones. I think that maybe if they weren’t drunk that they would be a bit more deserving of my help. If they were actually helping themselves then I might help them. How backwards and distorted is that. But it is true. I even make a “right” way to be broken. Thank God there is a different way. His way is loving all, even our enemy. That certainly includes the stranger who asks for food or money (even if they are drunk and have a brand new pack of cigarettes). We are not asked to judge people we are asked to invite them into the scandal we were invited into, which is the love and grace of God.

I know this may seem very random and not tied together…probably because it is random and it’s definitely not tied together, but that is all I’ve got right now.
I would love to hear any thoughts about this stuff…conversation helps me process.

A lot of times, when I journal, I like to finish by writing a prayer…I’ll do that here.

Father, teach me to walk in your freedom. Teach me to love you and your people. Come and be with me. Come. Speak to me about your heart for people. Speak to me about how to love the homeless here, how to love the panhandlers, thieves, murders, terrorists, presidents, governments and Christians in this world. In every moment father, teach me to listen to you and to do what you tell me. Spirit come and fill me and open my eyes and teach me to love.

.grace.adam.