transition and change....let me rant...

In no sense of the word am I a multi tasker. Even when I do have lots to do I have to make a list and tackle them one by one to actually accomplish any of them. If I can't make a list I end up just jumping from one thing to the next, hoping I'm not forgetting something and feeling like I'm doing a crap job. Over the last few weeks I've realized that this isn't only true in the small things but in all of the big stuff as well.

As I've realized this and started to connect the dots my stress over the last month or so seems to make a lot more sense. About a month ago it came about that not only was I moving out of our house on Feb. 1st but everyone in the house was leaving and we were responsible to empty and clean the place. At the same time I was still looking for a place to live in Boulder (see post below for the place), trying to decide on some major wedding decisions (all over the phone of course), writing my new job description for working in Colorado, and gearing up for one of our biggest events at work.

I hope you're still with me. I know it's disgusting to read somebody else's to-do list but I hope it provides some sense of context. I've had a lot of different things on my plate and I don't do well with that. It takes so much of my energy just to keep track of the 9 ways my mind is divided that I can't really process what is going on in my life.

Case in point...I just moved from Santa Barbara, where I spent the better part of 7 years of my life and the biggest community I've known. I left all of that and I was so stressed out about all of the crap that I had to do that I wasn't even able to be. I could barely be present at my own going away party because I had no resolution in any area of my life and I couldn't stop thinking about what I had to do before I left.

And now I'm here and trying to process but I'm already getting stressed about what I have to do next. I am thankful for a job but my day to day work is anything but concrete, I'm not fully moved in yet, and I'm not even sure where to put the stuff that is still in the car.

I just want to be settled and have some consistency and feel like I have a handle on at least one aspect of my life.

The reason all of this bothers me so much is that I highly value recognizing the depth of big moments in life and I feel I've missed that in my move. It's a strange experience to put your whole life into boxes and drive them across the country for 2 days. Generally, I use the travel time to transition. To acknowledge a significant change in life, embrace what is new while still letting what is old sink in. It's a process that needs peace of mind and peace of spirit. I have little of either right now but hope that I make some progress before I really start to work next week.

Welp....there you have it a rant for the ages. I'll probably be embarrassed I actually posted this instead of deleting it but... live an learn I guess.

A