the things that feel

Well, all is more or less the same here. Apparently a hurricane or a tropical storm of some sort is brewing in the gulf of Mexico. I say apparently because it hasn’t really rained here for 4 days (that’s kind of a big deal around here) anyway, I’m kind of waiting for the skies to open and laugh at our foolish hopes of sunny days and star filled nights.

Besides the unusual dryness things are still good. Working at the hospital has become much more comfortable for me. The nurses are starting to know my name and giving me more than the typical volunteer tasks. Yesterday, after feeding Jao, and Christina I helped brush everyone’s teeth and then put lotion on everyone’s face, it felt like such an intimate thing to be doing to such strangers, but good none the less. I really feel like God is slowly teaching me something through working there but I’m not quite sure what it is yet…

well, I’ve got a bit of a cocktail of themes for you today first I’ve got some thoughts about church tradition in Latin America then I’ve got some brief thoughts about death. Here goes…

There is something that I always feel when I’m in Latin America. I don’t know what it is or why it happens. Here it is. In Latin America I feel a deep respect and admiration for strong church tradition. Here’s why I say that. Aaron and I talked about purposefully spending time with God here so we started to go into the church that is connected to the hospital after volunteering to pray for a few minutes before they start mass. As with most churches around here it is open to the public and the people in charge where these funny robes…I guess they call themselves Catholics. Anyway, being in the church and seeing the reverence held for that place as the house of God made me want to take part in the traditions. I remember this from living in Mexico too. Even though I didn’t go to any masses there I still felt a desire to cross myself when I walked into a church.
This all seems kind of weird for me because, as many of you know, I’m not one to usually think real highly of church tradition, mostly I just think that it gives people something else to do besides be with Jesus. And I don’t think that doesn’t happen in Latin America because it certainly is that case for many. There just seems to be something about being here that changes my perspective a bit so that I see the positive side of it. Crossing oneself is now out of reverence instead of a “need to show the world that I’m devout” attitude. The liturgies echo with thousands of years of repetition instead of sounding hollow and wanting. Who knows…maybe God is teaching me something about loving and respecting his bride.

Death. I’m not sure why I feel like writing about death, it has only come up a few times since I’ve been here but each time I felt significantly moved. Aaron made a comment about death the other day. He said, “We’re just at that time of life” when it seems like lots of people we know are dieing. Aaron talked about Scott Schuler’s death the other day. It wasn’t even what we were talking about but it made me want to just stop and think about him for a while. I remember when I heard that he died and how I felt. I didn’t even know him very well but he sincerely touched my life my first year of college. The next time it came up was in the intro to the book Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. Foster was talking about an old friend who had helped him with his book and described their last interaction…it’s best if you read it for yourself.

“I did not know if Bess and I would ever meet again this side of the Valley. We did. We both sensed it would be our last time together and said so. We talked and reminisced. She shared anew poem with me. Then, with trembling voice, I read the closing paragraph from the final book of The Chronicles of Narnia to her; ‘ but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. Al their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapters is better that the one before.’
I finished reading, and we sat together in perfect silence. Then I left, traveling back to my new home. Not long after Bess left too, traveling to her new home beyond the Valley of the Shadow. Such loss is a reality we all must face at on time or another, perhaps many times over…”

I haven’t the slightest clue why but I was nearly moved to tears. Death is so real but nothing to fear and I think Fosters’ introduction gives light to the way death should be treated, with solemnity and love, but not fear.

The last mention of death came as I was starting this post. I was listening to Julie Degraw’s chapel talk from Westmont in 2001. She was talking about her mothers’ battle with cancer. She talked about the deep love that dieing brings out of people. How when death is on the horizon, like it was for her mom, there is no time for shallow feelings and every sight of beauty brings tears. She talked about sitting with her mom and knowing that the end was near and how deep the love was.
Maybe that is what has made all of these mentions of death stick out in my mind. When the end is approaching there is no room for wordy sentimentality or shallow condolences. The feelings run deep but they are true, they are real. My grandpa died earlier this year and although it was definitely not a good time for me I do remember that there were no false moments during that time. When asked to describe what kind of music I like I often give the vague but true answer that I like music that feels. I guess death is a moment in life that feels. I often find that my wantings in life are for more of my life to feel in the sense that death and some music feel.

Well this post has been really scattered…which makes sense because my brain feels pretty scattered today. Sorry for my random thoughts, I hope it made a bit of sense. If you’re interested in praying for me/us please do. The thing on my heart right now is having open eyes and an open heart to see and know God in every situation.