...leaving

My dad and I went on a drive tonight. I really needed to get a little more time at the river before I leave. I'm going to be in Guatemala on monday, after I drive to phoenix on thursday (if my car gets fixed in time)...needless to say, I have a lot I should be thinking about but I spend most of my time thinking about this place I'm leaving. I'm not sure when I'll be able to spend another summer in the Flathead Valley so I'm not entirely excited to leave.

With all of the uncertainty of the future in front of me I can't get my mind off of my present location and the long past I have here. I come here to refresh and to let my soul rest. There is something that happens on the river that, for me, doesn't happen anywhere else. Standing knee deep in the water surrounded by nature in it's purest form I start to breathe deeply again. I cast my fly rod and slowly find the rhythm of the place. It is slow and methodical but not without grace. Each cast is purposeful and there is something that happens when I find that rhythm again. Non of the uncertainty in my future really matters there. The only thing holding my attention is my little fly floating on the water. The smells of the pine trees and the river replace those of car exhaust and fast food. The only sounds are the wind and the ripples, no freeway or angry shoppers. There is no stress on the river, no worry about next year, or even the next 10 minutes for that matter. It is here, in the river, that I know again that everything really is ok. EVERYTHING is ok. It's just ok....

I'm kinda of wondering what will fill that gap when I'm not here. the last four years in Santa Barbara have not offered anything even close to this place. I've always just tried to survive until I came home for the summer. I lived for the evenings on the river and late nights on the boat. I am unsure about finding another place of renewal and deep rest in Santa Barbara. I have thought more about that than most other things lately and it is the only real thing that has me feeling anxious. The uncertainty of a job in Santa Barbara is of little importance in comparison.

I've come to realize that much of my connection with the outdoors and the river has a lot to do with my childhood and where I grew up. I'm curious to know where you find that deep refreshment and re-filling of peace. any ideas???


walkinpeace.adam


p.s. my next post will most likely be from Guatemala...